this is who I am, if you can't take it you can...

nllmki@yahoo.com — Fri, 20 Jan 2006 19:27:18 GMT

I've found that with no obligations you can really waste all the time you want...

I was reading back through this thing (big time waster there) and in retrospect the people I call 'friends' weren't. My only friends at that community college were the computers in the computer lab and the treadmill in the gym. What I never say is that I rarely really have friends aside from the friends that I know electronically. I never knew the people I talked about. I felt no regret when I left them all and moved to Virginia. Honestly I didn't learn what a friend was until recently. You'd call the people I called friends at the time aquaintances. I spent a majority of my time there alone.

My livejournal more accurately reflected the time than this journal....But I've deleted that one. I had to for security issues. I skipped the state to move away from an abusive father. Then I skipped the next state because I no longer had a place there. In a way it's ideal to move. But not anymore. Because I don't hide who I really am. I learned in Richmond that that was very pointless because I'm bad at it. Also because I was slowly losing myself.

The thing about me is this. I used mirror whoever I was with. I learned that in high school, maybe even before. I did it to avoid getting hurt. I was bullied terribly in school before I learned the fakery, the mimickry. Because I wasn't what they were. I'm not what they are. That showed itself in life after high school. My mimickry was always imperfect...I didn't realise that until I was living in the shelter in Richmond. My roommate brought it to my attention.

We were in our room. She was doing something, I don't remember what, maybe getting ready for work. I was lining up my bottles (shampoo and the like) on the dresser and talking to her. She suddenly said something that changed my life. The thing that made me stop the mimickry for the most part. She said, "Are you autistic? Because my son is and you act like he does." I was floored. All I could say was yes (I'm high functioning whatever that means. I had found out last April.)

I was falling apart. The act was falling apart. The plays the thing but I was dying because of it. I had people I called 'friends' but I couldn't connect with any of them. The last time I had connected with a person beyound cyberspace was at the university. Campbell, the religious MIT of the South. I came to see it as that after I left. I didn't really mimick there. Their eccentricities already mirrored my own natural ones.

nllmki@yahoo.com — Fri, 20 Jan 2006 18:48:38 GMT

I'm only doing this because Livejournal seems to be down for maintainance. So I get to bug people here today.

Put an X by the things you have done.

() stayed single

(x) kissed someone new

() made-out for the first time

() made-out in a car

() kissed in the snow (if the porch counts)

() kissed in the rain

(x) fell in love

(x) had your heart broken

() broke someone else's heart

() had a stalker

(x) had a great relationship with someone (ongoing)

(x) dated someone you'll never forget (still dating her!)

(x) done something you've regretted

() lost your true love forever

() lost faith in love

() kissed under miseltoe

WORK/SCHOOL

() got a promotion

() got a pay raise

() changed jobs

(x) lost your job

() quit your job

() dated a co-worker

() dated your boss

() dated your boss' daughter/son

(x) got fired from your job

() got straight A's

() met one teacher you really like

() met one teacher you really hated

() found the subject you love

(x) failed a class (failed several because I moved and didn't bother to withdraw first, well the move happened rather suddenly really)

(x) cut class

(x) skipped school

() got into a fight with a classmate

() did something you were proud of

() discovered a new talent

() gave the teachers a reason to teach

() proved yourself an idiot

() embarassed yourself in front of the class

() got lead in the school play

() made a varsity team

() were involved in something you'll never forget

OTHER

() painted a picture

(x) wrote a poem

(x) ran a mile

(x) listened to music you couldn't stand

() double-dipped

() skinny-dipped

() went to camp

() threw a surprise party

(x) laughed till you cried

() laughed till you peed in your pants

() visited a foreign country

(x) visted a different state

() cooked a disasterous meal

(x) lost something important to you

(x) got a gift you adore

(x) realized something new about yourself (several new things)

(x)went on a diet (not a diet per se, just my usual cutting of calories)

() tried to gain weight

(x) coloured your hair

(x) came close to losing your life

(x) someone close to you died

() reunited with a friend

(x) made an accomplishment that shocked everyone (I'm sure me leaving my parents' house counts. Everyone though I'd never do that.)

(x) realized your truest friends

() told a secret that would ruin your life if revealed

() threw a wild party

() went to a wild party

(x) drank alcohol

() drank alcohol underage

(x) did (a) drug(s)

(x) got drunk

() got arrested

(x) read a great book

(x) saw a great movie

() saw a movie so scary that it made you cry

() saw your favorite band/artist live

() saw someone famous in person

(x) did something you want to tell everyone

() Enjoyed this year overall (no but it was one helluva ride!)

nllmki@yahoo.com — Fri, 20 Jan 2006 05:43:54 GMT

Lately I've had the oddest compulsion. To look up the people that I have forgotten for a time. To say hey, how are you? I live in Indiana now. Just thought I'd tell you.

nllmki@yahoo.com — Fri, 02 Sep 2005 12:29:00 GMT

Did anyone miss me? (no) I've been whoring myself out on lj. Just dropping a line to let you know I'm still (half) alive.

nllmki@yahoo.com — Tue, 18 Jan 2005 17:25:04 GMT

Jeddrah rocks....

nllmki@yahoo.com — Thu, 13 Jan 2005 16:22:03 GMT

Run Lyrics
by Snow Patrol

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Anyway from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up...

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
I just want to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

nllmki@yahoo.com — Mon, 10 Jan 2005 18:19:32 GMT

I just relised this journal is five years old. WOW

nllmki@yahoo.com — Fri, 10 Dec 2004 14:49:23 GMT

since i add people i figured id better say ill be gone til january. but add me anyway. ill catch up. yes and ill get more interesting. promise.

love is dead

nllmki@yahoo.com — Mon, 18 Oct 2004 13:27:14 GMT

i hate sex. i hate my damn group of people i hang out with. i hate the fact that chose an email addy without knowing it was SXE. thats why i changed mine. the new one is
beautyinconstantdying@yahoo.com which is yes, inspired by HIM, the band to clarify.
i am detremined to be unattractive it seems. im wearing my u of va sweatshirt and camoflage pants (from the army surplus, nothing sexy and tight) and dirty old men still hit on me. im not attractive damn it. people have been telling me that all my life. good. i can avoid sex and men altogether and just fixate on men i cant have. like richey edwards and kurt coabin... i mean men i really cant have. just pictures. maybe its for the best.

nllmki@yahoo.com — Sun, 30 May 2004 23:53:34 GMT

love should have a a warning label:

WARNING!!:
may lead to lack of eating and sleeping.
may also lead to irresposible international phone calls....

BUT I NEEDED HIM...

they cant take him away from me, i need someone to hold on to

nllmki@yahoo.com — Sun, 30 May 2004 23:31:44 GMT

my aunt has been a pissant about me being online with tony all the time. but i NEED tony. i need to be treated like a person by someone. he loves me. he listens to me.

i love him so much it hurts....luckily i dont mind pain

nllmki@yahoo.com — Sat, 29 May 2004 16:06:00 GMT

speaking of pain my fucking leg really itches. i hope its not infected or something. htatd be a fine how dya do. go to the hospital and theyd be all"yeh the dog scratched ya right? thats why youve got those marks all over you" well maybe i could claim i got attacked, several times, by someone with a razorblade (not a complete lie...). waiting for someone to come online. i wish he'd hurry. ineed him. so i finally found someone like myself. i love him, hes my angel but why does he have to hurt so much? it makes ME cry. hell we do it to each other. we're just two people in desperate need of love and understanding. and we have that in one another. we have a lot in common but in way i wish we didnt. i cant stand him hurting himself but im just being a damn hypocrit.

nllmki@yahoo.com — Sat, 29 May 2004 08:25:30 GMT

Self-Abuse
by Moonspell

Album :
Submitted by : NEGATIVE VISION
Corrected by :
Rated : 9.0 (4 votes)

On my knees now
I´ll inflict myself some real Love
On my knees now
I´ll choke myself
in troubled Love

On my knees now
I´ll purge myself of real Love
On my knees now
I swear - I know nothing
of that troubled Love

I am a Man again
through Self-Abuse
Improving myself
Through Self-Abuse

On my knees now
I´ll end myself through real Love
On my knees now
I´ll reveal myself
in troubled Blood

Waste me, waste me - waste me
Never try to beat me

I am a Man again
Through Self-Abuse
Improving myself
Through Self-Abuse

I am seeking someone
Sneaking through
my troubled Blood

I am feeling someone
Starving for my troubled Love

Self-Abuse.....Self-Abuse
Never try to compete with me

nllmki@yahoo.com — Sat, 29 May 2004 05:14:32 GMT

hey all. im back.

here i am now entertain me

nllmki@yahoo.com — Wed, 10 Sep 2003 17:23:58 GMT

i got swedish fish!! (insert happy swedish fish dance here) umm im trying to get back into colllege. im mostly bored, can you tell?

nllmki@yahoo.com — Sat, 28 Jun 2003 16:02:19 GMT

havent written here in a long ass time. unfortunatly for moi im living with my parents. so i dont get much posting time. not a lot has changed. sighness. anyhoo i dont have much time on so later days. ave.

nllmki@yahoo.com — Mon, 28 Apr 2003 23:27:19 GMT

nllmki@yahoo.com — Mon, 28 Apr 2003 22:49:29 GMT

nllmki@yahoo.com — Mon, 28 Apr 2003 22:43:58 GMT

nllmki@yahoo.com — Mon, 28 Apr 2003 22:39:15 GMT

nllmki@yahoo.com — Sun, 27 Apr 2003 04:07:37 GMT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!! ITS THE 27TH OF APRIL AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. IM 20!!! WISH ME A HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

nllmki@yahoo.com — Fri, 25 Apr 2003 14:55:36 GMT

to all you taking exams now. good luck. ha ha fuckers. these are the days that im glad that i dont go to classes. yes ladies and gents im a freeloader with a dorm room. it rocks ass.

nllmki@yahoo.com — Tue, 22 Apr 2003 06:20:22 GMT

everything has gone down the drain and im responsible....

nllmki@yahoo.com — Sat, 19 Apr 2003 18:29:18 GMT

i am not a beautiful or unique snowflake, i am the same decaying matter as everything else. my life really doesnt matter in the scheme of things. im not going to invent a better moustrap or find the cure for cancer. if i live another 50-60 years as some would tell me is the way to go i will work and be a consumer like everybody else. i will then die at 74 of a heart attack and leave behind my beloved husband and children and grandkids. woo fucking hoo. i will live waiting for the next disaster, for the next person leaving me, for my next faliure. i will pray as i do now for a merciful car accident to take me out of this world. in the great scheme of things it wouldnt matter if i died now. if i didnt wait for time and fate to handle things. if i took matters into my own hands. i have free-will, i have say in this. i am not a slave of life. this train ride has gone on too long already and i can see my stop, i'd like to get off this ride and i'd prefer that some dipshit didnt interfere. you arent getting brownie points for saving the life of someone who wants to die anyway, you really aren't, all you're doing is making someone miserable, averting their death but only for now.

nllmki@yahoo.com — Mon, 14 Apr 2003 18:14:23 GMT

if the world broke
i wonder if it would shatter
like a christmas bulb covered in city lights
or just crack and fall to pieces
like that globe when we were twelve
youre the face on the phone
but i didnt ak you to call
and im having a party
i hope no one comes to
youre invited but stay at home
the clouds already rolled in
the silver lining here is fake
do you remember that coin
we found on 7th street?
the one that was worth nothing
because it came out of a bubble gum machine
well thats me