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[Jan. 20th, 2006|01:06 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | VNV Nation/Dark Angel | ] |
I've found that with no obligations you can really waste all the time you want...
I was reading back through this thing (big time waster there) and in retrospect the people I call 'friends' weren't. My only friends at that community college were the computers in the computer lab and the treadmill in the gym. What I never say is that I rarely really have friends aside from the friends that I know electronically. I never knew the people I talked about. I felt no regret when I left them all and moved to Virginia. Honestly I didn't learn what a friend was until recently. You'd call the people I called friends at the time aquaintances. I spent a majority of my time there alone.
My livejournal more accurately reflected the time than this journal....But I've deleted that one. I had to for security issues. I skipped the state to move away from an abusive father. Then I skipped the next state because I no longer had a place there. In a way it's ideal to move. But not anymore. Because I don't hide who I really am. I learned in Richmond that that was very pointless because I'm bad at it. Also because I was slowly losing myself.
The thing about me is this. I used mirror whoever I was with. I learned that in high school, maybe even before. I did it to avoid getting hurt. I was bullied terribly in school before I learned the fakery, the mimickry. Because I wasn't what they were. I'm not what they are. That showed itself in life after high school. My mimickry was always imperfect...I didn't realise that until I was living in the shelter in Richmond. My roommate brought it to my attention.
We were in our room. She was doing something, I don't remember what, maybe getting ready for work. I was lining up my bottles (shampoo and the like) on the dresser and talking to her. She suddenly said something that changed my life. The thing that made me stop the mimickry for the most part. She said, "Are you autistic? Because my son is and you act like he does." I was floored. All I could say was yes (I'm high functioning whatever that means. I had found out last April.)
I was falling apart. The act was falling apart. The plays the thing but I was dying because of it. I had people I called 'friends' but I couldn't connect with any of them. The last time I had connected with a person beyound cyberspace was at the university. Campbell, the religious MIT of the South. I came to see it as that after I left. I didn't really mimick there. Their eccentricities already mirrored my own natural ones. |
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[Jan. 20th, 2006|12:39 pm] |
I'm only doing this because Livejournal seems to be down for maintainance. So I get to bug people here today.
( 2005 Survey ) |
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[Jan. 19th, 2006|11:42 pm] |
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Lately I've had the oddest compulsion. To look up the people that I have forgotten for a time. To say hey, how are you? I live in Indiana now. Just thought I'd tell you. |
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[Sep. 2nd, 2005|08:31 am] |
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Did anyone miss me? (no) I've been whoring myself out on lj. Just dropping a line to let you know I'm still (half) alive. |
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[Jan. 18th, 2005|12:28 pm] |
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Jeddrah rocks.... |
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[Jan. 10th, 2005|01:19 pm] |
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I just relised this journal is five years old. WOW |
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[Dec. 10th, 2004|09:49 am] |
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since i add people i figured id better say ill be gone til january. but add me anyway. ill catch up. yes and ill get more interesting. promise. |
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| love is dead |
[Oct. 17th, 2004|09:30 am] |
i hate sex. i hate my damn group of people i hang out with. i hate the fact that chose an email addy without knowing it was SXE. thats why i changed mine. the new one is
beautyinconstantdying@yahoo.com which is yes, inspired by HIM, the band to clarify.
i am detremined to be unattractive it seems. im wearing my u of va sweatshirt and camoflage pants (from the army surplus, nothing sexy and tight) and dirty old men still hit on me. im not attractive damn it. people have been telling me that all my life. good. i can avoid sex and men altogether and just fixate on men i cant have. like richey edwards and kurt coabin... i mean men i really cant have. just pictures. maybe its for the best. |
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[May. 30th, 2004|07:51 pm] |
love should have a a warning label:
WARNING!!:
may lead to lack of eating and sleeping.
may also lead to irresposible international phone calls....
BUT I NEEDED HIM... |
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| they cant take him away from me, i need someone to hold on to |
[May. 30th, 2004|07:28 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | love | ] |
| [ | music |
| | slipknot-circle | ] |
my aunt has been a pissant about me being online with tony all the time. but i NEED tony. i need to be treated like a person by someone. he loves me. he listens to me. |
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| i love him so much it hurts....luckily i dont mind pain |
[May. 29th, 2004|11:59 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  AND itchy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | the smiths | ] |
speaking of pain my fucking leg really itches. i hope its not infected or something. htatd be a fine how dya do. go to the hospital and theyd be all"yeh the dog scratched ya right? thats why youve got those marks all over you" well maybe i could claim i got attacked, several times, by someone with a razorblade (not a complete lie...). waiting for someone to come online. i wish he'd hurry. ineed him. so i finally found someone like myself. i love him, hes my angel but why does he have to hurt so much? it makes ME cry. hell we do it to each other. we're just two people in desperate need of love and understanding. and we have that in one another. we have a lot in common but in way i wish we didnt. i cant stand him hurting himself but im just being a damn hypocrit. |
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[May. 29th, 2004|04:25 am] |
Self-Abuse
by Moonspell
Album :
Submitted by : NEGATIVE VISION
Corrected by :
Rated : 9.0 (4 votes)
On my knees now
I´ll inflict myself some real Love
On my knees now
I´ll choke myself
in troubled Love
On my knees now
I´ll purge myself of real Love
On my knees now
I swear - I know nothing
of that troubled Love
I am a Man again
through Self-Abuse
Improving myself
Through Self-Abuse
On my knees now
I´ll end myself through real Love
On my knees now
I´ll reveal myself
in troubled Blood
Waste me, waste me - waste me
Never try to beat me
I am a Man again
Through Self-Abuse
Improving myself
Through Self-Abuse
I am seeking someone
Sneaking through
my troubled Blood
I am feeling someone
Starving for my troubled Love
Self-Abuse.....Self-Abuse
Never try to compete with me |
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[May. 29th, 2004|01:13 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  tired | ] |
hey all. im back. |
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| here i am now entertain me |
[Sep. 10th, 2003|01:22 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bored | ] |
| [ | music |
| | stupid tv | ] |
i got swedish fish!! (insert happy swedish fish dance here) umm im trying to get back into colllege. im mostly bored, can you tell? |
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[Jul. 2nd, 2003|12:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
havent written here in a long ass time. unfortunatly for moi im living with my parents. so i dont get much posting time. not a lot has changed. sighness. anyhoo i dont have much time on so later days. ave. |
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[Apr. 28th, 2003|07:26 pm] |
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[Apr. 28th, 2003|06:48 pm] |
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[Apr. 28th, 2003|06:43 pm] |
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[Apr. 28th, 2003|06:37 pm] |
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